zodiac signs

Earth, fire, water, and air. We all know that your zodiac sign is ruled by one of these elements, but what does that characterization determine? Well, I am here to inform you that it indicates more than you may think. In fact, when it comes to your lover, there is basically no parameter more telling. Say farewell to statistics, goodbye science, and reason can jump off a balcony because your zodiac sign is 1000% accurate at deciding what type of dude you are bound to attract. So, enough guessing and definitely stop the unsubstantiated hypothesizing, because here is a guaranteed list of what type of person you are bound to allure based on your astrology.  

You don't have to know a lot about astrology to realize there is always something in the air. Either some planet is retrograding, or some evil moon is rising, or some sign is losing their mind. The stars really know how to keep us on our toes. The astrologers of Twitter are amazing at delivering the most recent horoscope shifts in very humorous and inspiring ways. For people who love astrology, these tweets probably seem really clever, but for those of us who are clueless about zodiac sh*t, these are just so extra it's funny.

The world of astrology is much bigger than a lot of people might think. It's kind of like a cult continuously recruits members from all over the world. It seems that there also might be tiers of followers too. Some people just know their sign and a few qualities that come along with it; some people know all the signs, and the dates, and read their horoscope daily; and some people know their sign, and your sign (definitely before you told them), they know when mercury is in retrograde and when your moon is out and about. Simply put, they know too much, and I'm not embarrassed to say that such people terrify me.

My fears don't stop me from laughing at these very extra Tweets though.

Wake TF up y'all - it's Aries season! This horoscope sign is totally outta control. Aries are known for being passionate, intense, and a bit much, yet people can't help but love us. After all, they keep coming back for more. The Twitter-sphere is well-aware about the allure and conflict behind dating an Aries, and shared their Aries anecdotes with the rest of us to make sure we know what we're signing up for before dating one. 

A new month marks the start of something new up in the sky. Has everything been out of whack lately? The stars are rearranging once again, and this time around, they just might align in your favor. Hop on my horoscopes spaceship and read on to find out if the universe is working with or against you this week.

City of stars, are you shining just for us? Hell yes, they are! Forealz, what the hell would we do without the trusty universe to guide us into our obscure futures? We would be more lost than we already are, which is pretty difficult to fathom. So come on, vamonos, everybody let's go for a ride into the cosmos together! 

I bet you have no idea what's flying this week. It's all good because neither do I. Luckily, we can always rely on the stars and planets of the universe for guidance. Because when you follow the cosmos, everything will magically fall into place. So hop on my spaceship and ride into infinity and beyond with me!

So we somehow made it to 2021, huh? Surprisingly enough, coronavirus didn't magically disappear at midnight on New Years Eve, yet with the stars on our side, I still have high hopes for the year. As we zoom into January, zoom into the cosmos with me and discover your fate, if you dare.

Who's hyped for another year of horoscopes?! I know I am. If there's one thing 2020 taught is, it's to expect the unexpected. As Forrest Gump once said, "life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." The only thing you can rely on right now is how the planets align, and what exactly that means for your future. Hang on tight, and enjoy this crazy journey into the universe with me.

It's that time of the year for holiday cheer! We didn't think we'd make it this far, but 2020 is full of surprises. The fact that we actually made it this far is a sign that the stars just might be on our side… right?

Santa baby, we've been awfully questionable good girls this year. Think of all the fun we've missed, think of all the fellas we haven't kissed. Next year we'll be oh, so good if you hook us up with somewhat of a sense of normalcy? When you hurry down the chimney tonight, can you deliver optimistic horoscopes? Is that too much to ask for? A girl can dream. Buckle up with an ugly Christmas sweater and a warm cup of eggnog, because 'tis the season to be jolly as f*ck with these holiday horoscopes.

December's officially here! Thank the heavens - 2020 is almost over! Bundle up in your coziest blankets, grab a warm cup of hot cocoa, and dream about what 2021 has in store for you. What a bright time, it's the right time to rock the night away aaaand to read up on your horoscopes. 

This Thanksgiving season, give thanks to your friends, family, co-workers, and that one fuckboy from your past - all of which made you stronger in different ways.  Give thanks for making it this far in the midst of a global pandemic. But most of all, give thanks to the stars. Seriously, where the hell would we be without them? Read on to see what the stars have in store for you this week.

When Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone passionately sang "City of Stars" in La La Land, they were obviously singing about how the stars align for you. This week, may the cosmos be ever in your favor. 

2020 has been an absolute dumpster fire. Because everything else seems to be out of whack at the moment, let's turn to the universe itself for guidance. When in doubt, Zodiac-it-out. Take a deep breath, grab a warm cup of tea, and check out if the stars align for you this week. 

September has begun, and you know what that means? There's only one more month until we can say "next month, there's only one month until the last month of 2020." Did that give you a headache? Me too, but that's OK because Autumn brings with it pumpkin-spiced everything, and nothing bad can happen when you've got a Salted Caramel Pumpkin Latte in your hand. But let's not tempt fate.

Just in case, we've checked to see what the celestial bodies have in store for you this month. Because with one quarter left of 2020, surely things can't get any worse. Right?! Here are your September horoscopes, based on... well, not much to be honest with you. 

Forgive us for being a little late with your horoscopes this month, but we've been busy bees. With July seeing the world getting into somewhat of a semblance of normality, we thought it was time to serve you a big ol' slice of reality pie. Therapy might be expensive, but star signs are not. So before you go investing in finding a shrink, check out what we have to say about your upcoming month. Pay attention, we know what we're talking about!