zodiac signs

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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (January 11 - 17, 2021)

So we somehow made it to 2021, huh? Surprisingly enough, coronavirus didn't magically disappear at midnight on New Years Eve, yet with the stars on our side, I still have high hopes for the year. As we zoom into January, zoom into the cosmos with me and discover your fate, if you dare.


women's weekly nonsense horoscope January 2021 | thumbnail Text - Text - Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A super shitty secret is gonna come to light this week in your social circle. Depending on how you handle this newfound truth may determine the dynamics of your friend group forever. No pressure though. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (January 3 - 10, 2021)

Who's hyped for another year of horoscopes?! I know I am. If there's one thing 2020 taught is, it's to expect the unexpected. As Forrest Gump once said, "life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." The only thing you can rely on right now is how the planets align, and what exactly that means for your future. Hang on tight, and enjoy this crazy journey into the universe with me.



women's weekly nonsense horoscope | thumbnail Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Your financial situation is the opposite of a good time. As you dive headfirst into your bills, be sure to also dive into a tub of ice-cream. There's nothing a tub of ice- cream can't fix. Trust me, I'm super tight with Ben & Jerry.
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Your Nonsense Christmas Horoscopes (December 20 - December 27)

It's that time of the year for holiday cheer! We didn't think we'd make it this far, but 2020 is full of surprises. The fact that we actually made it this far is a sign that the stars just might be on our side… right?

Santa baby, we've been awfully questionable good girls this year. Think of all the fun we've missed, think of all the fellas we haven't kissed. Next year we'll be oh, so good if you hook us up with somewhat of a sense of normalcy? When you hurry down the chimney tonight, can you deliver optimistic horoscopes? Is that too much to ask for? A girl can dream. Buckle up with an ugly Christmas sweater and a warm cup of eggnog, because 'tis the season to be jolly as f*ck with these holiday horoscopes.



women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 Dec 21) This holiday season, you intend to be the gift. Whatever is on his list, you'll do it. Slutty Santa's Helper? Rudolph the Raunchy Reindeer? Christmas Tree Gone Wild? Ride that sleigh to town, girl!
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Your Weekly Nonsense Horoscope (November 30 - December 6)

December's officially here! Thank the heavens - 2020 is almost over! Bundle up in your coziest blankets, grab a warm cup of hot cocoa, and dream about what 2021 has in store for you. What a bright time, it's the right time to rock the night away aaaand to read up on your horoscopes. 

women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail image of woman pointing Text - Weekly Horoscopes Because astrology is cheaper than therapy
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Written In The Stars: Thanksgiving Weekly Horoscope (November 23 - 29)

This Thanksgiving season, give thanks to your friends, family, co-workers, and that one fuckboy from your past - all of which made you stronger in different ways.  Give thanks for making it this far in the midst of a global pandemic. But most of all, give thanks to the stars. Seriously, where the hell would we be without them? Read on to see what the stars have in store for you this week.


women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail Text - Taurus Dollar signs are on the horizon this week - but only if you're not shy about it. Whether its asking for a promotion at work, or your sugar daddy to increase your weekly allowance, people are feeling more generous this Thanksgiving weekend.
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Written In The Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope (November 16 - 22)

When Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone passionately sang "City of Stars" in La La Land, they were obviously singing about how the stars align for you. This week, may the cosmos be ever in your favor. 

weekly women's funny horoscope | thumbnail Aries The sun moves to Jupiter this week, sprinkling some extra boldness and spontaneity into your spirit. Instead of obsessing over Mr. Dashing, Dark, & Handsome, slide into those DMs
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Written In The Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope (November 9 - 15)

2020 has been an absolute dumpster fire. Because everything else seems to be out of whack at the moment, let's turn to the universe itself for guidance. When in doubt, Zodiac-it-out. Take a deep breath, grab a warm cup of tea, and check out if the stars align for you this week. 

Weekly women's funny horoscope | thumbnail Go (Scorpio) shorty - it's your birthday month! Even though it's your special tim of the year, you may also encounter assholes who are trying to mess with your birthda vibes. If their sh*tty attitudes persist, stay true, and swiftly tel them to shut the f*ck up | Libra The sun will be blocked by Neptune in Pisces, so prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions. To prevent a complete meltdown, cut down on the crap in your life. Eliminate toxic frenemies
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Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate September Horoscopes

September has begun, and you know what that means? There's only one more month until we can say "next month, there's only one month until the last month of 2020." Did that give you a headache? Me too, but that's OK because Autumn brings with it pumpkin-spiced everything, and nothing bad can happen when you've got a Salted Caramel Pumpkin Latte in your hand. But let's not tempt fate.

Just in case, we've checked to see what the celestial bodies have in store for you this month. Because with one quarter left of 2020, surely things can't get any worse. Right?! Here are your September horoscopes, based on... well, not much to be honest with you. 

pictures of satirical horoscopes zodiac signs - cover pic Libra | Libra (Sept 23 Oct 22 think unique because hormones are out wack right now, but news flash: so are everyone's s been crazy year and mood swings are off charts. Try and channel energy into some self-care this month, and invest some bath salts. Or some vodka. Or both!
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My Dating Nightmare: The Worst Dating Habits Of Each Zodiac Sign

You might think that it's simply down to luck (or lack thereof), that your poor romantic choices keep you trapped in the never-ending dating loop of doom. But what if there was a little more to it than sheer boredom, horniness, and some bad experiences? What if your bad dating habits were cosmically driven, and your destiny was actually written in the stars? Courtesy of The Single Society, check out what your zodiac sign exposes about your questionable dating habits, and see how much you relate to these harsh, but honest revelations. And remember, you can always change your destiny... 

Worst dating habits according to your zodiac signs
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Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate July Horoscopes

Forgive us for being a little late with your horoscopes this month, but we've been busy bees. With July seeing the world getting into somewhat of a semblance of normality, we thought it was time to serve you a big ol' slice of reality pie. Therapy might be expensive, but star signs are not. So before you go investing in finding a shrink, check out what we have to say about your upcoming month. Pay attention, we know what we're talking about! 

pictures of satirical horoscopes zodiac signs - cover pic Aries You think you're outgoing unfortunately everyone else thinks you're a psycho | Aries (March 21 April 19 think outgoing, but unfortunately, everyone else thinks psycho. This month should work on leaving some of the crazy at home locked drawer. And then throw away key. But seriously though, chill f*ck out.
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Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate June Horoscopes

The stars are a bit like your therapist, your best friend, and your mom; sometimes they have good advice. Other times, they really, really don't. Either way, reading your horoscope is cheaper than therapy, so here are your 100% factually (maybe) accurate predictions for June.

And in case you missed it, check out your April Horoscopes to see if anything has changed for you since then! Or, if your life is pretty much the same. Old. Cr*p.

horoscope zodiac satire June satirical star sign Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces | Taurus (April 20 May 20) At this point s clear 2020 is broken cannot be emphasized enough: THIS IS NOT TIME EXPERIMENT WITH HAIR. Just. Don't. Do Come back and try again 2021.
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Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate April Horoscopes

The stars are a bit like your therapist, your best friend, and your mom; sometimes they have good advice. Other times, they really, really don't. Either way, reading your horoscope is cheaper than therapy, so here are your 100% factually (maybe) accurate predictions for April.

And in case you missed it, check out your March Horoscopes to see if last month brought you what you wanted!

horoscope, zodiac, satire, March, satirical, stars, prediction, star sign Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces
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Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate March Horoscopes

The stars are a bit like your therapist, your best friend, and your mom; sometimes they have good advice. Other times, they really, really don't. Either way, reading your horoscope is cheaper than therapy, so here are your 100% factually (maybe) accurate predictions for March.

And in case you missed it, check out your February Horoscopes to see if the month of love brought you what you wanted!

horoscope, zodiac, satire, March, satirical, stars, prediction, star sign Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces | 100% Factually Accurate Horoscopes Written Stars
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