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The Type Of Guy You'll Attract Based On Your Horoscope


Earth, fire, water, and air. We all know that your zodiac sign is ruled by one of these elements, but what does that characterization determine? Well, I am here to inform you that it indicates more than you may think. In fact, when it comes to your lover, there is basically no parameter more telling. Say farewell to statistics, goodbye science, and reason can jump off a balcony because your zodiac sign is 1000% accurate at deciding what type of dude you are bound to attract. So, enough guessing and definitely stop the unsubstantiated hypothesizing, because here is a guaranteed list of what type of person you are bound to allure based on your astrology.  



what type of guy you attract based on horoscope | thumbnail text - Capricorn You will appreciate his serious maturity at times and he's good in bed, but his constant need to be the smarter one in the relationship will infuriate you. He's smart, but not smart enough to know that being right isn't always right. He's handsome physically, but lacking emotionally.
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Here's Your Monthly HOEroscope, Shave Accordingly

You've read countless horoscope predictions, but none of them have ever solely focused on what's really important - sex, duh! The universe runs on sex, hence sex is intrinsically connected to the stars. What I'm telling you that your sex life is based entirely on your astrology, not to mention Mercury being in retrograde. It seems like Mercury is always in retrograde, but I digress. Back to your sex life.

We're thrilled to present your monthly HOEroscopes, where we determine your sexual future based on the cosmos. Because science, b*tch. May the D be ever in your favor this week. 

Sexual horoscopes | thumbnail text -m, メ me II HOEroscopes Sex and the Stars u up? Pd
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Very Extra Horoscope Tweets For Any Casual Astrologers

Astrology can be very confusing to those of us who never looked too much into it. From the outside, it looks like this crazy cult where people let the positioning of the stars dictate their life decisions. Sure, when you put it like that it might seem frivolous. But there are so many crazier superstitions people hold, and a lot of actual history backing up the observation of astrology. Basically, if you can enjoy the interesting aspects without having it take over your entire life, that's a good place to be.

So for any casual astrologers out there, here are some funny Tweets that you might just relate to.

Very Extra Horoscope Tweets For Any Casual Astrologers| Thumbnail text -
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Astrology Tweets Which Are So Extra It's Funny (April 25, 2021)

You don't have to know a lot about astrology to realize there is always something in the air. Either some planet is retrograding, or some evil moon is rising, or some sign is losing their mind. The stars really know how to keep us on our toes. The astrologers of Twitter are amazing at delivering the most recent horoscope shifts in very humorous and inspiring ways. For people who love astrology, these tweets probably seem really clever, but for those of us who are clueless about zodiac sh*t, these are just so extra it's funny.

Astrology Tweets Which Are So Extra It's Funny (April 25, 2021)| thumbnail text - O patty O @misspattyphatty if astrology isn't real, then why are you like that? 12:29 AM · Apr 24, 2021 · Twitter for iPhone 3,575 Retweets 241 Quote Tweets 18.2K Likes
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People Reveal The Funniest Lifehacks Which Changed Their Lives For The Better

Life often gets challenging, so it would be great to know what other people in the world are doing to make it less complicated that it has to be (other than turning to drinking and partying, which are equally as great). Instead of heading to the bar to get advice from that stereotypical insightful bartender that seems to be in every movie, you can turn to Twitter instead for the best and funniest lifehacks. On this platform, people aren't shy when it comes to giving advice. By the time you finish this short list, you'll surely be ready to live your best life. 

Funny tweets avout lifehacks | thumbnail text - ultan @ultB1 Life hack: when you're cutting a pizza at home always make one of the slices really small in case anybody asks you for a slice 12:32 AM · Apr 10, 2021 · Twitter for iPhone
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Funniest Tweets About The Turmoil Of Dating An Aries

Wake TF up y'all - it's Aries season! This horoscope sign is totally outta control. Aries are known for being passionate, intense, and a bit much, yet people can't help but love us. After all, they keep coming back for more. The Twitter-sphere is well-aware about the allure and conflict behind dating an Aries, and shared their Aries anecdotes with the rest of us to make sure we know what we're signing up for before dating one. 

Funny tweets about dating an Aries | thumbnail text - sarah @spiritualbadas3 What you expect from dating an Aries vs what u actually get 38 12:27 AM - Feb 17, 2021 · Twitter for iPhone
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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (February 1 - 7, 2021)


A new month marks the start of something new up in the sky. Has everything been out of whack lately? The stars are rearranging once again, and this time around, they just might align in your favor. Hop on my horoscopes spaceship and read on to find out if the universe is working with or against you this week.


women's weekly funny horoscope January 2021 | thumbnail Text - Weekly NO Nonsense Horoscopes Because astrology is cheaper than therapy | Cancer thought finally found perfect no-strings-attached relationship, but looks like FWB has caught feels Unfortunately far being on same page, so 's time jump ship before this hookup entirely destroys friendship beyond repair.
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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (January 25 - 31, 2021)

City of stars, are you shining just for us? Hell yes, they are! Forealz, what the hell would we do without the trusty universe to guide us into our obscure futures? We would be more lost than we already are, which is pretty difficult to fathom. So come on, vamonos, everybody let's go for a ride into the cosmos together! 

women's weekly funny horoscope January 2021| thumbnail Text - Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've heard the word "no" so often recently that it's obnoxious at this point. But this is the week you've been waiting for - the week of YES! Expect to hear it everywhere and everywhere - YES to that promotion, YES to those vacation days, and SO MUCH YES in bed.
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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (January 18 - 24, 2021)


I bet you have no idea what's flying this week. It's all good because neither do I. Luckily, we can always rely on the stars and planets of the universe for guidance. Because when you follow the cosmos, everything will magically fall into place. So hop on my spaceship and ride into infinity and beyond with me!



women's weekly funny horoscope January 2021 | thumbnail Text - Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) In honor of the last hurrah of your birthday month, rev up your energy engines! In addition to working on many different projects simultaneously, you should be working on many different guys simultaneously too, because according to the stars, the more the merrier.
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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (January 11 - 17, 2021)

So we somehow made it to 2021, huh? Surprisingly enough, coronavirus didn't magically disappear at midnight on New Years Eve, yet with the stars on our side, I still have high hopes for the year. As we zoom into January, zoom into the cosmos with me and discover your fate, if you dare.


women's weekly nonsense horoscope January 2021 | thumbnail Text - Text - Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A super shitty secret is gonna come to light this week in your social circle. Depending on how you handle this newfound truth may determine the dynamics of your friend group forever. No pressure though. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (January 3 - 10, 2021)

Who's hyped for another year of horoscopes?! I know I am. If there's one thing 2020 taught is, it's to expect the unexpected. As Forrest Gump once said, "life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." The only thing you can rely on right now is how the planets align, and what exactly that means for your future. Hang on tight, and enjoy this crazy journey into the universe with me.



women's weekly nonsense horoscope | thumbnail Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Your financial situation is the opposite of a good time. As you dive headfirst into your bills, be sure to also dive into a tub of ice-cream. There's nothing a tub of ice- cream can't fix. Trust me, I'm super tight with Ben & Jerry.
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Your Nonsense New Years Horoscopes (December 27 - January 3)

Cheers to New Years! Not just any new year - 2021. The year that marks the end of 2020 AKA hell on Earth as we know it. 2020 brought us a global pandemic, social unrest, travel bans, and even murder hornets at one point. Truly a shitty surprise on every corner. We can only go up from here, ladies & gents. I think. Are you there, cosmos? It's me. The horoscope princess. And I'm begging you to make 2021 a damn good year. Or even mediocre would be good enough.

As we dive headfirst into another year, let's turn to the stars for desperately needed guidance.



women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail Text - Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You've had your eyes set on a sexy m. someone for months, but my, oh, my, looks like the boy's too shy, ain't gonna kiss the girl. Time to call the shots on your end - when the clock strikes 12, throw yourself into his arms, and let that midnight magic wash over the two of you. Cl
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Your Nonsense Christmas Horoscopes (December 20 - December 27)

It's that time of the year for holiday cheer! We didn't think we'd make it this far, but 2020 is full of surprises. The fact that we actually made it this far is a sign that the stars just might be on our side… right?

Santa baby, we've been awfully questionable good girls this year. Think of all the fun we've missed, think of all the fellas we haven't kissed. Next year we'll be oh, so good if you hook us up with somewhat of a sense of normalcy? When you hurry down the chimney tonight, can you deliver optimistic horoscopes? Is that too much to ask for? A girl can dream. Buckle up with an ugly Christmas sweater and a warm cup of eggnog, because 'tis the season to be jolly as f*ck with these holiday horoscopes.



women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 Dec 21) This holiday season, you intend to be the gift. Whatever is on his list, you'll do it. Slutty Santa's Helper? Rudolph the Raunchy Reindeer? Christmas Tree Gone Wild? Ride that sleigh to town, girl!
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Your Weekly Nonsense Horoscope (November 30 - December 6)

December's officially here! Thank the heavens - 2020 is almost over! Bundle up in your coziest blankets, grab a warm cup of hot cocoa, and dream about what 2021 has in store for you. What a bright time, it's the right time to rock the night away aaaand to read up on your horoscopes. 

women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail image of woman pointing Text - Weekly Horoscopes Because astrology is cheaper than therapy
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Written In The Stars: Thanksgiving Weekly Horoscope (November 23 - 29)

This Thanksgiving season, give thanks to your friends, family, co-workers, and that one fuckboy from your past - all of which made you stronger in different ways.  Give thanks for making it this far in the midst of a global pandemic. But most of all, give thanks to the stars. Seriously, where the hell would we be without them? Read on to see what the stars have in store for you this week.


women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail Text - Taurus Dollar signs are on the horizon this week - but only if you're not shy about it. Whether its asking for a promotion at work, or your sugar daddy to increase your weekly allowance, people are feeling more generous this Thanksgiving weekend.
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Written In The Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope (November 16 - 22)

When Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone passionately sang "City of Stars" in La La Land, they were obviously singing about how the stars align for you. This week, may the cosmos be ever in your favor. 

weekly women's funny horoscope | thumbnail Aries The sun moves to Jupiter this week, sprinkling some extra boldness and spontaneity into your spirit. Instead of obsessing over Mr. Dashing, Dark, & Handsome, slide into those DMs
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