horoscopes

Earth, fire, water, and air. We all know that your zodiac sign is ruled by one of these elements, but what does that characterization determine? Well, I am here to inform you that it indicates more than you may think. In fact, when it comes to your lover, there is basically no parameter more telling. Say farewell to statistics, goodbye science, and reason can jump off a balcony because your zodiac sign is 1000% accurate at deciding what type of dude you are bound to attract. So, enough guessing and definitely stop the unsubstantiated hypothesizing, because here is a guaranteed list of what type of person you are bound to allure based on your astrology.  

You've read countless horoscope predictions, but none of them have ever solely focused on what's really important - sex, duh! The universe runs on sex, hence sex is intrinsically connected to the stars. What I'm telling you that your sex life is based entirely on your astrology, not to mention Mercury being in retrograde. It seems like Mercury is always in retrograde, but I digress. Back to your sex life.

We're thrilled to present your monthly HOEroscopes, where we determine your sexual future based on the cosmos. Because science, b*tch. May the D be ever in your favor this week. 

Astrology can be very confusing to those of us who never looked too much into it. From the outside, it looks like this crazy cult where people let the positioning of the stars dictate their life decisions. Sure, when you put it like that it might seem frivolous. But there are so many crazier superstitions people hold, and a lot of actual history backing up the observation of astrology. Basically, if you can enjoy the interesting aspects without having it take over your entire life, that's a good place to be.

So for any casual astrologers out there, here are some funny Tweets that you might just relate to.

You don't have to know a lot about astrology to realize there is always something in the air. Either some planet is retrograding, or some evil moon is rising, or some sign is losing their mind. The stars really know how to keep us on our toes. The astrologers of Twitter are amazing at delivering the most recent horoscope shifts in very humorous and inspiring ways. For people who love astrology, these tweets probably seem really clever, but for those of us who are clueless about zodiac sh*t, these are just so extra it's funny.

Life often gets challenging, so it would be great to know what other people in the world are doing to make it less complicated that it has to be (other than turning to drinking and partying, which are equally as great). Instead of heading to the bar to get advice from that stereotypical insightful bartender that seems to be in every movie, you can turn to Twitter instead for the best and funniest lifehacks. On this platform, people aren't shy when it comes to giving advice. By the time you finish this short list, you'll surely be ready to live your best life. 

Wake TF up y'all - it's Aries season! This horoscope sign is totally outta control. Aries are known for being passionate, intense, and a bit much, yet people can't help but love us. After all, they keep coming back for more. The Twitter-sphere is well-aware about the allure and conflict behind dating an Aries, and shared their Aries anecdotes with the rest of us to make sure we know what we're signing up for before dating one. 

A new month marks the start of something new up in the sky. Has everything been out of whack lately? The stars are rearranging once again, and this time around, they just might align in your favor. Hop on my horoscopes spaceship and read on to find out if the universe is working with or against you this week.

City of stars, are you shining just for us? Hell yes, they are! Forealz, what the hell would we do without the trusty universe to guide us into our obscure futures? We would be more lost than we already are, which is pretty difficult to fathom. So come on, vamonos, everybody let's go for a ride into the cosmos together! 

I bet you have no idea what's flying this week. It's all good because neither do I. Luckily, we can always rely on the stars and planets of the universe for guidance. Because when you follow the cosmos, everything will magically fall into place. So hop on my spaceship and ride into infinity and beyond with me!

So we somehow made it to 2021, huh? Surprisingly enough, coronavirus didn't magically disappear at midnight on New Years Eve, yet with the stars on our side, I still have high hopes for the year. As we zoom into January, zoom into the cosmos with me and discover your fate, if you dare.

Who's hyped for another year of horoscopes?! I know I am. If there's one thing 2020 taught is, it's to expect the unexpected. As Forrest Gump once said, "life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." The only thing you can rely on right now is how the planets align, and what exactly that means for your future. Hang on tight, and enjoy this crazy journey into the universe with me.

Cheers to New Years! Not just any new year - 2021. The year that marks the end of 2020 AKA hell on Earth as we know it. 2020 brought us a global pandemic, social unrest, travel bans, and even murder hornets at one point. Truly a shitty surprise on every corner. We can only go up from here, ladies & gents. I think. Are you there, cosmos? It's me. The horoscope princess. And I'm begging you to make 2021 a damn good year. Or even mediocre would be good enough.

As we dive headfirst into another year, let's turn to the stars for desperately needed guidance.

It's that time of the year for holiday cheer! We didn't think we'd make it this far, but 2020 is full of surprises. The fact that we actually made it this far is a sign that the stars just might be on our side… right?

Santa baby, we've been awfully questionable good girls this year. Think of all the fun we've missed, think of all the fellas we haven't kissed. Next year we'll be oh, so good if you hook us up with somewhat of a sense of normalcy? When you hurry down the chimney tonight, can you deliver optimistic horoscopes? Is that too much to ask for? A girl can dream. Buckle up with an ugly Christmas sweater and a warm cup of eggnog, because 'tis the season to be jolly as f*ck with these holiday horoscopes.

December's officially here! Thank the heavens - 2020 is almost over! Bundle up in your coziest blankets, grab a warm cup of hot cocoa, and dream about what 2021 has in store for you. What a bright time, it's the right time to rock the night away aaaand to read up on your horoscopes. 

This Thanksgiving season, give thanks to your friends, family, co-workers, and that one fuckboy from your past - all of which made you stronger in different ways.  Give thanks for making it this far in the midst of a global pandemic. But most of all, give thanks to the stars. Seriously, where the hell would we be without them? Read on to see what the stars have in store for you this week.

When Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone passionately sang "City of Stars" in La La Land, they were obviously singing about how the stars align for you. This week, may the cosmos be ever in your favor.