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Your Nonsense Christmas Horoscopes (December 20 - December 27)

It's that time of the year for holiday cheer! We didn't think we'd make it this far, but 2020 is full of surprises. The fact that we actually made it this far is a sign that the stars just might be on our side… right?

Santa baby, we've been awfully questionable good girls this year. Think of all the fun we've missed, think of all the fellas we haven't kissed. Next year we'll be oh, so good if you hook us up with somewhat of a sense of normalcy? When you hurry down the chimney tonight, can you deliver optimistic horoscopes? Is that too much to ask for? A girl can dream. Buckle up with an ugly Christmas sweater and a warm cup of eggnog, because 'tis the season to be jolly as f*ck with these holiday horoscopes.



women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 Dec 21) This holiday season, you intend to be the gift. Whatever is on his list, you'll do it. Slutty Santa's Helper? Rudolph the Raunchy Reindeer? Christmas Tree Gone Wild? Ride that sleigh to town, girl!
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Your Weekly Nonsense Horoscope (November 30 - December 6)

December's officially here! Thank the heavens - 2020 is almost over! Bundle up in your coziest blankets, grab a warm cup of hot cocoa, and dream about what 2021 has in store for you. What a bright time, it's the right time to rock the night away aaaand to read up on your horoscopes. 

women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail image of woman pointing Text - Weekly Horoscopes Because astrology is cheaper than therapy
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Written In The Stars: Your Weekly Horoscope (November 16 - 22)

When Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone passionately sang "City of Stars" in La La Land, they were obviously singing about how the stars align for you. This week, may the cosmos be ever in your favor. 

weekly women's funny horoscope | thumbnail Aries The sun moves to Jupiter this week, sprinkling some extra boldness and spontaneity into your spirit. Instead of obsessing over Mr. Dashing, Dark, & Handsome, slide into those DMs
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Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate February Horoscopes

The stars are a bit like your therapist, your best friend, and your mom; sometimes they have good advice. Other times, they really, really don't. Either way, reading your horoscope is cheaper than therapy, so here are your 100% factually (maybe) accurate predictions for February.

And in case you missed it, check out your New Year's Horoscopes to get a full overview of your 2020 zodiac signs.

horoscope, zodiac, satire, February, satirical, stars, prediction, star sign | your 100% factually accurate horoscope written in the stars capricorn aquarius pisces aries taurus gemini cancer leo virgo libra scorpio saggitarius
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