You've read countless horoscope predictions, but none of them have ever solely focused on what's really important - sex, duh! The universe runs on sex, hence sex is intrinsically connected to the stars. What I'm telling you that your sex life is based entirely on your astrology, not to mention Mercury being in retrograde. It seems like Mercury is always in retrograde, but I digress. Back to your sex life.
We're thrilled to present your monthly HOEroscopes, where we determine your sexual future based on the cosmos. Because science, b*tch. May the D be ever in your favor this week.