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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (January 18 - 24, 2021)


I bet you have no idea what's flying this week. It's all good because neither do I. Luckily, we can always rely on the stars and planets of the universe for guidance. Because when you follow the cosmos, everything will magically fall into place. So hop on my spaceship and ride into infinity and beyond with me!



women's weekly funny horoscope January 2021 | thumbnail Text - Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) In honor of the last hurrah of your birthday month, rev up your energy engines! In addition to working on many different projects simultaneously, you should be working on many different guys simultaneously too, because according to the stars, the more the merrier.
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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (January 11 - 17, 2021)

So we somehow made it to 2021, huh? Surprisingly enough, coronavirus didn't magically disappear at midnight on New Years Eve, yet with the stars on our side, I still have high hopes for the year. As we zoom into January, zoom into the cosmos with me and discover your fate, if you dare.


women's weekly nonsense horoscope January 2021 | thumbnail Text - Text - Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A super shitty secret is gonna come to light this week in your social circle. Depending on how you handle this newfound truth may determine the dynamics of your friend group forever. No pressure though. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
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Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (January 3 - 10, 2021)

Who's hyped for another year of horoscopes?! I know I am. If there's one thing 2020 taught is, it's to expect the unexpected. As Forrest Gump once said, "life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." The only thing you can rely on right now is how the planets align, and what exactly that means for your future. Hang on tight, and enjoy this crazy journey into the universe with me.



women's weekly nonsense horoscope | thumbnail Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Your financial situation is the opposite of a good time. As you dive headfirst into your bills, be sure to also dive into a tub of ice-cream. There's nothing a tub of ice- cream can't fix. Trust me, I'm super tight with Ben & Jerry.
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Your Nonsense New Years Horoscopes (December 27 - January 3)

Cheers to New Years! Not just any new year - 2021. The year that marks the end of 2020 AKA hell on Earth as we know it. 2020 brought us a global pandemic, social unrest, travel bans, and even murder hornets at one point. Truly a shitty surprise on every corner. We can only go up from here, ladies & gents. I think. Are you there, cosmos? It's me. The horoscope princess. And I'm begging you to make 2021 a damn good year. Or even mediocre would be good enough.

As we dive headfirst into another year, let's turn to the stars for desperately needed guidance.



women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail Text - Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You've had your eyes set on a sexy m. someone for months, but my, oh, my, looks like the boy's too shy, ain't gonna kiss the girl. Time to call the shots on your end - when the clock strikes 12, throw yourself into his arms, and let that midnight magic wash over the two of you. Cl
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Your Nonsense Christmas Horoscopes (December 20 - December 27)

It's that time of the year for holiday cheer! We didn't think we'd make it this far, but 2020 is full of surprises. The fact that we actually made it this far is a sign that the stars just might be on our side… right?

Santa baby, we've been awfully questionable good girls this year. Think of all the fun we've missed, think of all the fellas we haven't kissed. Next year we'll be oh, so good if you hook us up with somewhat of a sense of normalcy? When you hurry down the chimney tonight, can you deliver optimistic horoscopes? Is that too much to ask for? A girl can dream. Buckle up with an ugly Christmas sweater and a warm cup of eggnog, because 'tis the season to be jolly as f*ck with these holiday horoscopes.



women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 Dec 21) This holiday season, you intend to be the gift. Whatever is on his list, you'll do it. Slutty Santa's Helper? Rudolph the Raunchy Reindeer? Christmas Tree Gone Wild? Ride that sleigh to town, girl!
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Your Weekly Nonsense Horoscope (December 13 - December 20)

Another week, another plan set out for you in the stars. The end of 2020 is near, and you gotta be prepared for the next chapter of your story. Naturally, your horoscopes have you covered for whatever may come your way.


women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail image of woman pointing Text - Weekly Horoscopes Because astrology is cheaper than therapy | Taurus gonna hook up with couple Benjamins this week. Meaning purse is gonna be BRIMMING with cash.
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Your Weekly Nonsense Horoscope (November 30 - December 6)

December's officially here! Thank the heavens - 2020 is almost over! Bundle up in your coziest blankets, grab a warm cup of hot cocoa, and dream about what 2021 has in store for you. What a bright time, it's the right time to rock the night away aaaand to read up on your horoscopes. 

women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail image of woman pointing Text - Weekly Horoscopes Because astrology is cheaper than therapy
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Written In The Stars: Thanksgiving Weekly Horoscope (November 23 - 29)

This Thanksgiving season, give thanks to your friends, family, co-workers, and that one fuckboy from your past - all of which made you stronger in different ways.  Give thanks for making it this far in the midst of a global pandemic. But most of all, give thanks to the stars. Seriously, where the hell would we be without them? Read on to see what the stars have in store for you this week.


women's weekly funny horoscope | thumbnail Text - Taurus Dollar signs are on the horizon this week - but only if you're not shy about it. Whether its asking for a promotion at work, or your sugar daddy to increase your weekly allowance, people are feeling more generous this Thanksgiving weekend.
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